My blogger is telling me that I last published on July 19. July 19.. so very sad. What is even sadder is how my life changed so much from July 19 until now. And not for the better.. well for the most part.
Right around July 19, I took a new job... that I absolutely hate. I mean, I am miserable. I don't even want to wake up in the morning and I fear that I am drowning myself in a pit of depression. Its actually scary. So much that two weeks ago, I got the courage and I resigned and I will be going back to my old job come the end of December. I can't wait. I was not the same person anymore. I was/am scared for my marriage, my health, and my mental health if I do not leave. I tried to deny it for well, 2+ months or so and finally I hit a breaking point. My husband asked me what's wrong.. and I let it all out.
Not to mention something else that completely changed my life at the same time I started this new job. I found out I was pregnant on July 18. We were so excited and started to plan for our little one. Labor Day weekend we went on a small vacation to one of my favorite places, Duluth, MN and I started spotting the entire weekend. By Monday, Labor Day, my hope was shattered and I just knew it. Turns out that I miscarried at 10 weeks of pregnancy and that week that I started my new job I had to take medical leave to have a d&c. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. We all know it can happen, but you just don't think its going to happen to you. I blamed myself and I just didn't get it. Over time I am doing much better and in a few months we will try again, but I am beyond scared.
I am so thankful to have God, my husband, and family by my side throughout all of this. This has honestly been the hardest 4 months of my life and I know that sounds horrible because things could be so much worse. But I am so unhappy. I have to get out of this job and get on with my life. I long to be happy again. I long to wake up in the morning and be my bright and chipper self. I am not the person I used to be. I am counting down the days (11) until I am done with this job and I am praying that the school board approves my resignation and they let me go. They meet on Dec. 9. I could use your prayers as well. I know many of you have already sent prayers and thoughts my way and I appreciate every bit of it. I have faith that God will get me through this. My new job is all lined up and ready for me and I believe with my heart and soul that God had that position ready and waiting for me because he knew that I couldn't stay where I am right now. I also have faith that God will keep me strong when we try to get pregnant again because I know I won't be able to get through it without him. Cast all your cares upon him, for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7.
Thanks for listening. It helped just to write this even though I may just be writing to myself. I hope to spend more time back here as soon as I get back to my old job. I can't wait.